Without question, my husband refuses to help at home and with the children. What might shock you more is that I am in 100% agreement! When my husband refuses to help, he will always have my support.
No, I have not set the women’s movement back 100 years by fully supporting my husband by refusing to help. Keep reading…
The 3 Reasons Why My Husband Refuses to Help
- He is not helping because we are both responsible for our home and children
- We respect each other and contribute equally
- He openly admits he never wants to be a stay-at-home dad
Below are more in-depth explanations.
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We Are Both Responsible
Since we are both responsible for our home, my husband does not help. With that said, I do not help either.
Using the word help makes the assumption of assistance.
By saying my husband helps with the kids is assuming that he is not equally responsible. In the same respect, taking out the trash is not helping. It is my responsibility as well so we are not living in filth.
Fortunately, what we have taken on household responsibilities has happened organically.
If truth be told, he more than likely supports me with my daily responsibilities than I do with his responsibilities.
My Husband Refuses to Help: We Contribute Equally
Overall, we do contribute equally and focus more on our strengths.
Are there days that one of us does more than another? Absolutely! We are human. All of us get tired, sick, or just need a break.
We have been fortunate enough that we seem to always be able to back each other up.
For example, when my son was born we derived a great middle-of-the-night feeding system. Usually, I would go to bed early so I could sleep for 4 hours straight, and then he would go to bed and get straight sleep as well before he had to leave for work at 4:00 AM.
There is no doubt in my mind, that we were able to get through that extremely tough time of parenting because we communicated and knew what each of us needed.
We were, and we still are a team.
My Husband Refuses to Help: He Never Wants to be a SAHD
The likelihood of my husband becoming a SAHD (stay-at-home dad) are slim to none.
Obviously, he loves and likes our children. Every day, he spends quality time with each of them and we spend time as a family.
However, he knows himself well enough to be honest. Overall, my husband is patient with our children but he knows that the extended time as a SAHD or a SAHM tries your patience. It is part of the reason once my husband gets home, he offers to give me an immediate break.
Just as much as he does not want to be a SAHD, I do not want to be a mom who works out of the home.
When I planned on going back to work, we were looking at daycares. My anxiety was through the roof. It was not because of a lack of trust in these wonderful and caring people. Rather, I did not want to be separated.
That night, I woke up crying because I was not ready to go back to my job.
My husband, as always, supported my decision and we found a way to make it work. Undoubtedly, he is a good man.
Be sure to read Hard to Find a Good Man or Painfully Impossible?
When I told him in April 2021 that I wanted to start a podcast, Mom Treading Water, he fully supported me. Wholeheartedly, he has been my biggest supporter and cheerleader. He knew it was important for me to share my voice for moms to know we are all learning and we should not be expected to be perfect.
My Husband or Partner Refuses to Contribute at All
Fortunately, I have not been in a situation where my husband does not contribute.
Unfortunately, it is a common theme I do see in many of the mom groups where I belong.
If this is your predicament, check out “When Your Husband Doesn’t Help With Anything, Do This” from A Conscious Rethink.
They offer some tips that seem very helpful.
What Do You Do?
Yes, the other theme I do read consistently is when a husband or partner asks “what do you do?”
Clearly, one or both of you feel frustrated.
We do need to show our partners appreciation for the work they do as well. I know for myself, that I do try to make a conscious effort to acknowledge my husband’s contributions daily.
One way we make sure that happens is at the end of our family dinner time. Every night, without fail, my husband says “thank you for making dinner” and I follow up with “thank you for working hard.”
Now, both of our children say the same thing to each of us. They are learning to express appreciation even if they did not like what I made for dinner. LOL!
It has also prompted us to thank them in return for helping what dinner, picking up their dishes, trying their best at school, etc…
STILL!! My Husband Refuses to Help!
After all that and still, your husband refuses to help aka contribute, it might be time to provide some concrete evidence of what you do all day.
Check out A Day In The Life Of A Stay-At-Home Mom available on Amazon. It is a place to record your feelings at the start and end of the day and create a reverse to-do list of all you have accomplished in a single day. (Don’t worry, there are 2 pages allocated for each day.)
With all of that said, thank your husband for his contributions to your family. Being a dad can be equally stressful but in a different way.
When you think “my husband refuses to help” reflect and ask “does my husband contribute?”
Hopefully, it is just a matter of time before both of you find your groove.